How To Tell If Your Loved One Is A Secret Agent

How to Tell if your Loved One is a Secret Agent

By: Amy Parker

So, your loved one rushes out the door without explanation after a strange ringing in his shoe; her wardrobe consists mainly of trenchcoats and deer stalker hats; his address book contains no names – just initials. Something’s up, right?

Here’s the definitive guide to working out whether your loved one is a secret agent.

***

1) Do they have to work a lot of overtime?

There are two things that could be going down: either an affair or a series of covert undercover operations. Try tailing your loved one to an ‘extra evening shift’. If he or she is heading off for an illicit rendezvous, you should be able to find out where they’re headed.

If they manage to evade you after driving you round the block three times… they’re an agent.

2) Do they have super-agent combat skills?

Try sneaking up on your loved one for a hug. If you end up in an affectionate embrace, don’t worry.

If you end up with a split lip, a broken wrist and a gun pointed at your head before they realise you’re not an enemy spy… they’re an agent.

3) Do they speak many languages you didn’t know about?

Wander up to them when they’re distracted and ask them how their day was in a foreign language of your choice – one they haven’t told you they speak. (Suggestion: buy a phrasebook or two!) If you’re met with a blank stare and a ‘huh?’, leave it a few days and try again with a different language.

If they reply in the same language, then realise that they shouldn’t have and try to cover it up… they’re an agent.

4) Do they have a network of agents close by as backup?

Mess up the house, leave a fake ransom note on the kitchen table, and hide close by. If your loved one calls the police in floods of tears, they’re clean.

If they take out a concealed weapon, clear the house, take out a cell phone you didn’t know they owned and call for backup… they’re an agent.

5) Do they have an elite team at an ops center somewhere, ready to support them?

Wait until your loved one has an important deadline, then download as many potentially virus-containing files as possible to their computer. If they scream with frustration and go nuts trying to run anti-virus so they can get their report done on time, that’s normal.

If they wait until they think you’re out of earshot, then call someone to tell them that national security might be at risk… they’re an agent.

***

Are you nodding your head right now? Does everything add up? Time to decide if you blow the whistle or change your name to 99 and join him!

Bookmark It